I turned 35 on February 10th.
Did I just cross the midline of my lifespan?
… that might be an idealistic vision.
As a matter of fact – what do I know when my end is going to come?
I see Death lurking at me at least once a day. Everyday.
When I lay myself to sleep, I am fully aware that waking up in the morning is not guaranteed. And when I do wake up the next morning, I accept it as a special gift, which it is.
NO no no, I am not trying to be poetic or ultra-spiritual here AT ALL. I actually find it to be just the REAL THING.
And it took 34 years to get to it.
I used to have a seriously complicated relationship with death. And life. And life and death and the whole up and down, in and out, the full circle of life.
Starting at the age of 5, images of my parents dying began creeping to me at bedtime.
I would lay on my right side, staring into the tapestry, tears rolling down my chubby cheeks as imagination demonstrated coffins of my parents being lowered to muddy holes in the ground.
Night after night, no joke!
Like a primordial feeling rooted firmly inside, stretching out its branches in the stillness.
Death was an inexplicable certainty.
It distressed me.
Why?
Why is existence this way?
Why do we go, come, go-go?
Why must we experience the pain of losing loved ones to this …death?
Why?
… years passed by.
Basic school.
Highschool.
I got systematically distracted.
Nevertheless, echoes of the subconscious tend to find a way into the light.
So I fell in love with movies and stories about immortals.
Vampires, Dracula, the Undead. You know the bunch.
…and again years passed by.
University. THEATER!
I got tremendously distracted.
Moving to another country.
New language, culture, people, profession.
Even more distracted.
I 34 yo when my stormy waters started to calm down
and I realized that I was desperately missing fulfillment.
It became clear that no romantic relationship, no material possession, no quick-fix has the potential to satisfy my innermost hunger.
So I embarked on a mission to detect my ultimate final one&only TRUE vocation.
On my quest, I came across the offering of Birth into Being method.
The unspeakable moved inside of me.
I followed the impulse and signed up for the 16-day course.
What I experienced there exceeded my wildest expectations.
I willingly re-entered several open scenes from my personal history and delivered a full closure.
And there ..amongst the many ongoing processes:
KNOCK KNOCK!
– Who is there?
SURPRISE SURPRISE!
The good old DEATH Topic.
After decades of acting as a sleeping beauty, suddenly there she was – in the best shape ever!
Boy, that was one hell of a process.
My adult awareness and experiences flashed a new light on the whole case.
I never hoped that my intriguing childish questions could get anywhere close to a reliable answer.
I never hoped to internally grasp the sense of the cyclical nature of life as we know it.
And I definitely did not realize that the whole time I held THE ANSWER inside of me.
Driven by the fear of the loss-inflicted pain, I abandoned it, buried it, shut it down, put a spell on it, resisted it by all means.
So what was the answer to the excruciating cascade of my fundamental WHYs?
The answer was – love.
In the face of fear, in the face of pain, in the face of darkness being brave enough to keep the heart open and remain in love.
Such love is the one force that has the capacity of making all that ever lived immortal.
That is the ultimate nature of LOVE.
… and there my chest burst open.
6 months later, I turned 35.
Did I just cross the midline of my lifespan?
I do not know. I do not care.
…in this moment I hold myself gently.
Death is still as close as before.
Our relationship has shifted.
She is no longer the ultimate enemy.
She has become a teacher & memory-keeper.
With every exhalation she reminds me about human fragility and the true power we hold in our hearts.
She tells me stories about life´s limits and boundless existence.
She is the best advisor in prioritizing time on earth.
…in this moment I hold my world gently.
Love,
Nina